Poor Pairings

Poor Pairings

I think all of us remember that great little magazine called The Reader’s Digest?  I for one would always first turn to the pages containing various ‘funnies’ when one of these magazines came my way.  Especially ‘Laughter the Best Medicine’.  Great little anecdotes that invariably put a smile on one’s faces.  I am sure ‘Laughter the Best Medicine’ cheered up many a person in their sick beds and for that I doff my non-existent hat to Reader’s Digest.

Now in the same vein (sorry, bad pun) but looked at from a really ridiculous viewpoint was a so-called ‘Laughter the Best Medicine-type’ article in MAD Magazine many, many years ago.  MAD’s humor (deliberately using American spelling here) was, and remains, totally off the wall.  Most of it immediately forgettable, some of it truly memorable - well, memorable to me at least.

The article in question listed a number of medical ‘conditions’ that would be most unfortunate to have together at the same time.  I wish I could recall all of them but sadly my rapidly failing memory can only bring two examples to mind.  So let uss examine them.

The first was having two broken legs encased in plaster casts and diarrhoea (you know, a runny tummy) simultaneously.  For sure, not something I would relish … … Then of course the patient’s wheelchair gets two flat tyres to add to the overall misery of the situation!

The other example in the MAD Magazine’s article was truly horrifying to contemplate.  Imagine having lockjaw and sea-sickness simultaneously?!  I clearly remember the illustration the publication used to depict this unfortunate state of affairs but I think I will spare you the details of the rather graphic drawing that ‘graced’ MAD’s pages.  All I can say is that when I think back to this situation is that my reaction was: “ No, no, no, no ways!”

Now this has left me with some challenges.  The first is to try to come up with some poor medical pairings of my own.  The second is to find a way of lengthening this article.  Hmmmm …  I find myself on the horns of a dilemma.  Dilemma?  Wassat?  Must be some kind of animal if it has horns I reckon?  Right?  No such animal exists though.  It’s mythical.  Like a unicorn?  Or even a ‘gemors’ maybe?  You know what a ‘gemors’ is, eh?  A cross between a Gemsbok and a horse if the truth be known.  But never seen one of those for myself.  On the other hand, I have actually petted a Zonkey, also known as a Zeedonk (cross between a donkey and a Zebra).  And also scratched between the ears of a Gemsbok (and, once, a Red Hartebeest) … does that count?  Oops, I’m raving, better get back to the subject at hand.

The only poor ‘medical’ combination my addled brain can come up with is to have a bloody nose and a sneezing fit at the same time.  Not only most inconvenient but I would guess an altogether messy affair.

           I have had great difficulty in putting together this column this month.  I wonder why that would be?  I think it is as a result of my rare medical condition, IRM.  Have you heard of it?  IRM is indeed VERY rare, so rare in fact that I think I am only person (apart from the South African 2019 world cup cricket team) to have it.  What is IRM you ask?  Simple.  Intermittent Rigor Mortis.

           See you next month!

Ron Buyers
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